Sorry for the delay

It has been a while since my last post. My apologies. I have tried. I started writing about English Camp. I began a post about Christmas. I even started a post about our friend's new puppy! But all of the posts are sitting in my drafts. I couldn't finish any of them. I'll be honest. This past week has been really hard. I cried for the first time since leaving the States, and I'm just sad.

Being in Thailand right now isn't that hard. With 95 degree weather and absolutely no hint of Christmas cheer, it was hard to believe that it is the end of December. But Christmas is still happening at home, and I'm not there. Erin was in the Nutcracker, and I missed it, yet again. But Erin wasn't only in the Nutcracker, she was Clara. And I missed it. I will have plenty more opportunities to see her dance, but it still hurts.

Garvey came home from school, so the whole family is together. I can hear the chatter in the kitchen while I am on the phone with my mom. Of course we will stand around the kitchen counter again, but I miss it. Thailand is lonely.

It is really hard to make relationships here. And it is even harder for women. The Thai men really shouldn't talk to us because men and women aren't friends here. The foreign men do talk to us, but they have to be careful. They often have Thai girlfriends and wives who get very, very jealous when they see us talking. The Thai women don't want to be friends with us because we are the competition for men. And foreign women? Koreana and I are the only ones. I'm finally realizing why that is the case. It is because life is so darn hard here. Thank goodness I have Koreana. I really don't know what I would do without her. But even with a built-in friend, life is still really hard for women. Living in the north, people are very conservative. We constantly have to watch our step. The city is small enough that we are always seen. And Thai people love to gossip. We always have to cover our shoulders and knees. If I am ever seen in a sleeveless shirt I am told, "not polite." Or, "ooohh, so sexy. Why you wear?" Note to self, just suck it up and sweat through the t-shirts. Our students see us everywhere. The parents see us even more often. We can't be seen in a bar. Women aren't supposed to drink here. For the men, it is expected and encouraged. But we have to be really careful. When we do go out, we have to be sure that it is a place where we won't be seen, and only with people that won't say a word of it. Even the people that are friendly with us, it is hard to be friends. The cultural differences are vast. And the language barrier is never helpful.

School is very challenging. For the time being, I dislike my job. My kids are wonderful, but my job is nearly impossible. My Thai teacher doesn't give me any support at all, and I come home feeling defeated every day. I go to school with a smile every day, but it is draining. I finally broke down with my teacher last week. I told her that without an assistant and more help with the students I can't do it anymore. English is definitely not her strong point, but when I started crying, I think she got the point. She said that I will have an assistant in the new year, so we shall see. Until then we have a field trip, my kids will learn the water cycle song, and maybe we will start identifying shapes. I just need to keep myself busy.

So, there it is. I cried. And I have cried quite a few times. I even did the one thing that my mom absolutely forbid me from doing. I called her and cried. In my defense, I wasn't crying when I dialed the number, I only started when she answered. I really do love living here. I think it is an amazing experience and I know that I am learning a lot. But sometimes it is hard to take that step back and realize it.