Fake it till you make it

As long as I keep going through the motions and pretending everything is okay, then eventually it will be, right?

Work is insanely busy. I am trying to start dating again. I am responsible for finding 25 volunteers per night for nine nights over the next three weeks to work in a haunted house. I don't spend enough time with my dog. I haven't been working out. I am helping to build a haunted house this week. I don't sleep through the night. I am supposed to go away for the weekend.

Life is a little crazy right now.

Keeping myself busy sounded like a great idea back in August. And suddenly, I don't have enough time to think. Without even trying to bury myself in work and volunteering, it just happened. Now, here I am, without enough hours in a day, without enough experience to be completing the projects I have been assigned at work, and without enough guts to walk through the haunted house I helped to build!

People continue to ask me how I am. We both know that they are asking about post-breakup, totally stressed Meaghan, but don't say it. They look at me with a tilted head and sad eyes that say "breakups are hard and you are definitely still struggling." Every time I am asked, I respond with "I'm fine. Work is busy, but I'll get through it. I'm dating again!" Instead of discussing how I am really doing, I have found that it is much easier to use my recent suitors as comic relief. All of a sudden the pressure to discuss the ex, work, and my emotions is gone. Instead,  I can make people laugh while describing the man who significantly lied about his height, the man who refused to make eye contact, or my favorite story so far, the man who never stopped talking about himself.  

Dating has been interesting, to say the least. I have been out on three first dates, without the hint of a second date in sight. With every date I learn more about myself, what I want in a man, and the art of conversation. I have two dates scheduled for this week and I am looking forward to both of them. I go into every date with an incredibly hopeful demeanor and open mind. So far I have only come away from each with a blog post, but I'm confident that will change. 

I will continue to put myself out there and go on dates. I will continue to field the hundreds of emails and calls about volunteers and donations for the haunted house and make it through the month of October. I will carry a flashlight as I go through the haunted house. I will work lots of hours and I will do the best that I can. I will tell my boss when I need help before I become buried. I will keep telling people that I am fine and then share dating stories. I will keep faking it and eventually I'll make it. Sooner rather than later would be ideal, but either way I'll make it, and that is all that matters. 

I want to write

Yesterday I tweeted about how my job is getting in the way of my recreational writing, and I meant it.  How am I supposed to publish all the blog posts I think about, write notes about and begin writing when I am now required to work for at least 8 hours a day?

My mind is always filled with blog post ideas.  As I walk the dog, take a shower, grocery shop, eat my lunch, sit in meetings, ride the bus, watch television, read, and just about everything else, I am thinking of blog posts.  I wish I could hire someone to transcribe all of my thoughts. 

Just after Wilbur finishes his breakfast, a little after 5:15 am, as we cross the street on our walk, I begin thinking in writing.  How I will begin the story, what quotes I do not want to forget, and how I will describe each of the characters races through my head as Wilbur tries to find the next tree to sniff. 

On an unrelated note, there must be a new dog in the neighborhood, because Wilbur has been stress-sniffing every single tree for the past two days.  Someone is new in town.

Not all of my posts reflect the amount of effort I described.  Let me correct myself, most of my posts don’t reflect the effort I described, but I wish they could.  If you could read all the reams of thoughts in my mind, I’m sure you would be impressed.  Unfortunately, the time to write doesn’t exist at the moment.  I wish I could sit around and write all day and every day, but as soon as I say that, I realize how ridiculous it would be.  If all I did was sit and write, where would my stories come from?  It’s my trips to the grocery store, days at work and random real-life experiences that make this blog what it is.  My real life is what gives me my material and my desire to write.  Some posts are deeper than others, but they all stem from the same thing: my every day. 

So as much as I would love to devote my life to writing, I don’t know what I would write about! (I also don’t know how I would pay for anything, but that is beside the point…)

Until then, I guess I’ll keep going to work (and getting a paycheck), writing blog posts in my mind, making lists in my notebook, and writing when I have the chance.

Stumble Upon This!

As the owner of this blog I can see how people get to my blog.  For example, I can see if someone searches "capitol of Cambodia Sean Penn" and ends up here.  Remember that post?

I can see where people are located around the world when they read this blog.  I can also see what site referred them to my blog.  So when I plug my blog on facebook and twitter, I can see the influx of readers from those sites. 

But huge news on the Live Fully site!!  StumbleUpon is now referring people to my blog!  Yes, you read correctly.  A whole 2 people have stumbled and come across my blog.

Maybe I'm crazy for getting so excited about two readers, but I think this is huge news.  When I stumble across blogs, I think they must be some kind of big deal, and never considered my blog to be part of that crowd.  Surprise!  I made it!

Keep on stumblin' on!

{source}

Much love, Stumblers.  Much love.

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit

Happy June 1st!  Happy new month!  And happy summer!

Oh my goodness!  Where did the last 21 days go?  What have I been doing that I haven't been able to publish a single post?!  Trust me, I am wondering the same thing myself!  I have missed this little blog.

But, with a new month, a new temporary living arrangement, a new car, new furniture and a new condo (gasp!) I have been quite busy, and I have a lot to catch you up on!

I still have a handful of posts sitting in my drafts that I simply haven't had enough time to finish writing and edit, but not to worry faithful readers, you have lots of stuff coming your way!

My goal this month is to write a post every single day.  And considering June is my month of unemployment, this shouldn't be too challenging.  I just hope you won't mind if I jump around a bit.  I still haven't told you anything about The Kiwi Bergers trip to NYC!  I have to write about my sister's final performance, the Hot Blondies Bakery booth, moving home from NYC, visiting Madison, WI with my dad, and getting a condo!  Gasp!  I still can't believe I have it!

Then how about the fact that my dad is moving to Abu Dhabi?  Yeah, I have to write about that.

I'll write about Madison, furniture, cell phones, moving, baking and anything else that may come to mind. So stay tuned, because it is going to be a great month!  I can feel it...

But first how about a few little photos?

Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge the last weekend I lived in NYC.

Packing up my life for Madison, WI.

The two things Madison is known for: beer and cheese curds.

Lake George: where I should be spending the rest of the month.  Mmmmm.

Letter to me

When I had lived in Thailand for less than a year CIEE, the program I went through, held a writing competition.  I submitted my story about spending Songkran with Bri.

You can read the story here.

I didn't win, but when you google me, it is still the first link that appears.

Now, there is another competition.

I had ignored all of the emails from CIEE until yesterday, for some bizarre reason, and today is the deadline.  The competition is to write a letter to your former self, giving advice regarding the time spent teaching abroad.  I couldn't pass it up.  As soon as I read the requirements my head began racing.

Here is my submission:

Dear Meaghan,

First of all, you are awesome!  Going to Thailand?!  Good for you.  Your two friends backed out, but believe it or not, it was for the better.  You’ll learn so much alone.  Secondly, while it will be a pain, you’ll be grateful you cleaned out your room before you left.  Mom will appreciate it too. 

Onto the nitty gritty stuff.

The first few days are going to be rough.  It is hot.  Hotter than you could  have imagined.  And the dress code is far more conservative than seems appropriate for the temperature.  Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.  In two years you will catch a chill when it dips below 75 degrees.  Oh, yes, you will stay for longer than you planned.  The family will understand.  It will be worth every second of it.  

You will quickly find your stride in the classroom.  The culture is far more challenging.  And the language?  Are you kidding me?  But, believe me when I say, it will all get easier.  Your best friends will be Thai people.  And you will speak Thai.  I promise.

Always wear your helmet on motorbikes.  When Paul pressures you to buy a humongous helmet with a jaw protector, listen to him, it’ll save your life.  Yes, you will be in a motorbike accident.  You will be driving.  And you will have a passenger.  You’ll spend some time in the hospital, but both of you will be okay.  You will have scars.  The accident will be a blessing in disguise.  Because of it, you will be home to see your grandfather just before he dies. 

Befriend the students.  You’ll learn so much from them.  They will be your best language teachers.  They won’t mind if you mispronounce words.  They will teach you Thai the same way you teach them English.  You’ll have a moment when you realize that you are doing a good job.  Keep up the good work.

Play kickball.  The entire school will fall in love with it!  It does wonders for the English Program... and for you.

Travel.  I cannot stress this enough.  The six-hour bus ride sounds long?  Deal with it.  The beaches are incredible.  Your time in Thailand is limited.

Leave when you know the time is right.  Not only won’t it be easy, but it’s going to be really, really hard.  You will cry.  Your friends will cry.  But you will see Thailand in your dreams for months to come.  The decision is the right one.  The trip home will seem like the longest 30 hours of you life.  Your mom and sister will be at the airport, and you’ll cry again.  It’s sad.  But it was so, so happy.  And it is something that no one will ever be able to take away from you.

Good luck.  You’ll do wonderfully.  

PS- Look in the mirror when you arrive at the airport in Bangkok- mascara and tears don’t mix well.

PPS- You’ll get an awesome job in four months!

And here is what I would have added, had it been appropriate, and had I been given more words to play with:

You will love drinking whiskey.  Whiskey and soda water, mmmMmmm, it tastes good just to think about.  You will also drink beer with ice cubes.  But, don't you dare pull that move back in the States.

Befriend the teachers.  And be careful.  Two teachers will betray you.  It will hurt more than you have ever been hurt.  You'll consider leaving Thailand, but won't, and it is the right decision.  After a very long time the three of you will be cordial, and that will be the extent of it.  It's okay, you are stronger because of it.

Beer Olympics is an amazing idea.  Your costume is quite impressive.  You won't win, but it will be one of your favorite nights of all time.

Christmas eve of 2009 will start a lifelong friendship.  He will change you.  You will change him.  You will both cry when you say goodbye.  Don't fret, you'll see him in the US.

And The American After School Program?  It's a pretty genius idea, if I do say so myself.  Run with it.

Moving back to the US will be harder than going to Thailand.  New York City will be scary.  Not finding a job will be even scarier.  Everything will work out.  Just give it time, and enjoy the ride.

Love, meaghan
 

Favorite Compliment... EVER!

Throughout my life I have received enough compliments to accurately say that yesterday's was my favorite.

While driving to the office, after my boss picked me up on the FDR (remember Phillipe?), we got to talking.  I told him about my weekend in Virginia, including the bachelorette party and the upcoming wedding.  We ended up talking about my time in Tulsa.  After a story about the wedding I was in last year, Phillipe turned to me and said, "you should write all of this.  Seriously, I am going to see what I can do.  You should be paid to write."

I should be paid to write?  Favorite compliment.... EVER!  Granted, Phillipe has never read what I have written, so he may end up retracting that comment, but I'm going to take it for what it is: my favorite compliment ever.

"Get up in the morning and I can't keep it in..."

Oh, little blog, I am so sorry.  I have neglected you terribly.  I have neglected you so much, that I missed 300 hits!  Whoa.  But trust me, I have good reason.  Everyone says that though, right?  I have so much to tell you, blog!  I am going to keep everything in chronological order so you don't get confused.


Right now I am hooked on this song by Gotye:  

I am listening to it on repeat while I bust out a few blog posts.


Be prepared for another post about my weekend with Heather in NYC, a Virginia bachelorette party, another job interview, posts about podcasts, annoyances and weddings!  Oh, there is so much to tell!

tkts

It's a beautiful sunny morning in NYC!

Heather arrived yesterday and Erin left this morning... Woo hoo!

Now, I'm off duty for the week and enjoying the long weekend with Heather.

We are currently standing in the tkts line with our fingers crossed for tickets to the matinee of How to Succeed in Business.

It's a long line, so I am loving the blogger app!

Lucky you, lucky me!

I have great news for all my loyal readers! I now have the Blogger app on my telephone, which means so many great things!

This means that while I was waiting for my interview this afternoon I was able to blog while drinking my tea. This means that while I was waiting for Erin to finish at ballet I was blogging. This means that as I sit on the living room and Erin is on my computer, I will be able to blog.

This means that you should have so much more to read!

For me, it means that I will have so much more to edit, because my thumbs are a little large for this tiny virtual keyboard. It also means that I will probably significantly increase my chances of getting carpal tunnel, but you're worth the risk!

But most importantly, this means that while I sit in this subway car, with a very stinky homeless man seated across from me, even though I may be unable to breathe, I am blogging away!