I miss Paul

When I visited New Zealand I was going through a very tough time.  I was leaving Thailand, knowing that I had only 48 hours left with my best friends for more than 2 years.

Jennifer and I talked a lot.  She could clearly see the internal demons I was fighting.  I was struggling with emotions from all different continents, corners of the world and different relationships.  The first thing she addressed was the issue of Paul.  And to be perfectly honest, I don’t know if Paul reads this blog or not, but either way, it won’t change the story.  

Jennifer first asked me what the real relationship was between the two of us.  So, to clear the air for all of you wondering, (I like to pretend I have people following me out there) we are best friends.  From the moment we began spending time together, Christmas eve of 2009 to be exact, we were instant friends.  Something between us clicked.  We understood each other.  We understood each other’s sense of humor, and at times, lack thereof.  There was something about us that worked.  From the moment it happened, I was thrilled.  Yes, I had Koreana in my life, and living right next door nonetheless, but I craved male friendship.  I had spent the majority of my life having a male best friend, and I missed it.  Throwback to the years in grade 4 and 5 with Garret, 7 and 8 with Joey, 10, 11 and 12 with Kareem and Devin, university with Drew, and Dave when I would come home for the summers... Well, you see the pattern.  I always have a male best friend in my life.  And yes, while in the past I have had some trouble with mixing friendships with attraction, I have always had man friends, and I am still in contact with all of them.  

So when I arrived in Paekakariki and Jennifer said, “tell me about Paul” I responded as I would to anyone: “he is my best friend.”  

I told Jennifer a little about him, how we first met, where he is from, etc.  And for those of you who don’t know, he is from New Jersey.  Yes, as my mother said in her loudest, and most motherly voice, “you went all the way to Thailand to meet a boy from New Jersey?!”  Yes, I did.

After I finished the basic explanation, Jennifer waited, allowing me to finish my thoughts, hoping the silence would coax me to continue.  When I didn’t she asked, “is that it?”  I think she, just like everyone else in my life, thinks that he and I have had something more than just friendship going on.  She eventually broke the silence by saying, “well, from reading your blog, he clearly plays a huge role in your life.  I thought there was something more there.”  (Jennifer, please forgive me if I have misquoted you, but this is how I remember the conversation) 

She was right.  Jennifer was completely right.  He did play a huge role in my life.  He was my best friend.  He was my coworker.  He was my drinking buddy.  He was the owner of my Manao’s dog friend.  He was my business partner with the after school program.  He was my exterminator.  He was my Didine- eating, movie- watching companion.  He was my moving company.  He was my taxi company.  He was my voice of reason.  He was my voice of immaturity.  He was my everything.  Nearly.

Coming back to New York was thrilling.  I was beside myself when I was able to see Kareem again.  My eyes welled up with tears when I saw Devin.  And Dave, well, he made a few inappropriate comments, I blushed and told him he was embarrassing me, and we were back right where we had left off.  Now all of these boys are short phone call or text away; I don’t have to dial internationally, use precious minutes and  hold my breath for the off chance he may pick up the telephone.  But with Paul, I have to do all of those things.

I’m incredibly grateful to be back in the States and close to so many of my friends and family members, but I still miss Thailand.  And I still miss Paul.

Unfortunately, there are zero photos of the two of us.  So here is a dark, blurry and cropped PhotoBooth photo.  

We have better photos of our dogs than we do of ourselves.